As coaches, mentors, teachers, leaders, managers, parents, spouses or friends, we will all find ourselves in situations where we are trying to help people to make important changes in their lives. It’s in our nature as human beings to be there for each other.
It’s a bit of a shame then, that we generally suck at it.
“Think about a time in your life when someone really helped you – a moment that changed your life trajectory and led you to a really important decision about who or what you were going to be”
Helping People Change
In his brilliant new book “Helping People Change”, Richard Boyatzis explores the ways in which we can be helpful or, unfortunately more often, unhelpful to each other.
Let’s start on a positive note. In one exercise Boyatzis invites you to think about a time in your life when someone really helped you – a moment that changed your life trajectory and led you to a really important decision about who or what you were going to be. It might have been a parent or grandparent, favourite teacher, coach, manager or best friend. Think about that moment – really try to bring it to life. How did they make you feel? Inspired, hopeful, humbled, excited or passionate? Write a few words down, or perhaps if someone is with you share what you remember with them, and invite them to do the same. Spend a few moments in that space. Maybe take a few mindful breaths. Relish the memory.
How did they do that? We’ll come to that, but first, let’s explore what they didn’t do.
“While these are often well-intentioned actions, what they actually do is leave us defensive, demotivated, deflated, and dis-engaged.”
How Not to Help
Chances are, the moment you have just recalled did not consist of someone handing you a list of cascaded SMART goals, a five-point plan, or even a five-year plan. They weren’t offering you “constructive” feedback and probably didn’t suggest specific ways to solve your problem, to knock off a few of those ‘rough edges’ or indeed to fix you in any way.
Of course, we’ve all received some variation on that approach to ‘help’. The manager that will offer you some of that “constructive” feedback during your annual performance evaluation. The mentor that will tell you what to do because “it worked for me.” The coach that will tell you, or perhaps shout at you, to “WRITE YOUR SMART GOALS DOWN AND STICK THEM TO YOUR MIRROR SO YOU CAN WAKE UP EVERY MORNING TO RECITE THE PLAN THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.”
See if you can bring one of those moments to mind. I suspect you won’t have to think too hard on this one. No need to relish it.
While these are often well-intentioned actions, what they actually do is leave us defensive, demotivated, deflated, and dis-engaged. I’d be willing to bet that whatever change they were trying to engender in you didn’t happen, or certainly wasn’t sustained much beyond the end of the week.
The irony then, is that these attempts to help will often do the exact opposite: They will make things worse. And yet that’s how the majority of help is actually offered: “I can solve your problem” is the mindset our ‘helpers’ tend to bring. “I didn’t know I had a problem!” is the response most of us tend to have.
“Ploughing on with more of the same ‘helpful’ feedback, advice, coaching or training will simply reinforce the mindset or, perhaps mercifully, fall on those now non-essential and deaf ears. Either way, nobody is getting helped today.“
Survival
As Boyatzis explains, there’s a ton of brain science behind this, but the basic principle is: When someone asks you a negative question or elicits a negative response in you (as ‘constructive’ feedback does) it triggers the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), the part of your brain that is used for defence. Swimming in stress hormones, you shut down all the “non-essential” functions, and you’re unlikely to hear anything else, perceive anyone else (your peripheral vision literally shrink to around 30% of normal), or learn anything else. You’re ready to survive and that’s about it.
It takes a few milliseconds to get into this state, and once you’re in a defensive / survival mindset there’s really very little you or anyone else can do about it. Ploughing on with more of the same ‘helpful’ feedback, advice, coaching or training will simply reinforce the mindset or, perhaps mercifully, fall on those now non-essential and deaf ears. Either way, nobody is getting helped today.
“Goals without motivation are wasting time and squandering human potential.”
Stop it!
We know this stuff, right? We’ve heard it all before. And yet, we still can’t help ourselves, can we? So, to emphasise the point, here’s a quick checklist of things to stop doing, right now, when you’re trying to motivate people to change. I’ll bet there’s a few in there you’re going to disagree with:
- Stop giving constructive feedback
- Stop setting SMART goals
- Stop telling people what they should or must do
- Stop telling people what worked for you
- Stop trying to [educate | coach | treat] (*delete as applicable) people that aren’t ready
Like I said, you might argue many of these points. Take for example, the very common use of SMART goals to get stuff done. You’ll no doubt be yelling at the screen right now, insisting that goals are necessary. And of course, they are. But not to motivate someone. When was the last time you were motivated (and fear isn’t motivation) to do something because of a goal you would or (probably) wouldn’t meet? SMART or otherwise? The goal isn’t the motivator. That’s why so many people fail to achieve their New Year’s resolutions. Or to quit smoking. Or to lose weight. Or to eat the diet their doctor told them would save their life. Goals without motivation are wasting time and squandering human potential.
What about “constructive” feedback? If I can’t tell people what they’re doing wrong, how can I help them change? Well, the problem is that constructive feedback triggers the survival instinct that reduces the likelihood that anything will change, so while it might feel cathartic, it doesn’t help to enable sustainable change in people. Essentially at this point you’re just on a downward spiral to the bottom. Just like SMART goals, without intrinsic motivation, people won’t change.
“They saw greatness in you, and gave you hope and optimism that you could, with some hard work, determination, and maybe even a few SMART goals along the way, bring it out of yourself.”
How to Actually Help
Real help, the kind we all need as we stretch into our potential, comes from feeling supported, loved and believed in. Reflect back on that person we asked you to think about – the one that changed the course of your life – and the odds are that what they did was offer you compassion. Perhaps they saw something in you, something positive, that you couldn’t see yourself. They saw your potential and painted a picture that inspired and motivated you to live up to. They believed in you when you didn’t believe in yourself. They saw greatness in you, and gave you hope and optimism that you could, with some hard work, determination, and maybe even a few SMART goals along the way, bring it out of yourself. They invited you to dream, and dream you did.
According to Boyatzis: When someone asks you an open question, shares positive feedback or invites you to dream, it triggers the part of your brain called the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) that is expansive, positive and hopeful. You become more creative, motivated, will connect more deeply with people around you, and are receptive to learning and change. Now you’re ready to thrive.
If you have a clear vision, a sense of purpose, a dream – you will be much more motivated to achieve the goals that will take you towards that dream. You will willingly make the changes required, because you’ll be doing it for you – not me, your teacher, manager, coach, mentor, parents, spouse or anyone else. The dream is where the motivation comes from.
So, this is your invitation to dream. That’s all the help you need.
What now?
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